Down the rabbit hole darkly…

“Alice: How long is forever? White Rabbit: Some times, just one second.” 

― Lewis Carroll, Alice in Wonderland

“Why do you think you keep dreaming the same thing every night?”

Ani bit her lip, thinking why she was being asked what she didn’t know the answer to, what she needed an answer to? What kind of psychobabble is this? Was therapy a big mistake? She sighed and she shook her head slowly, “If I knew the answer to that I wouldn’t be here would I”, her voice quivered with emotion. The doctor smiled genially, “I am trying to help you, just close your eyes and try to think…” Ani sighed, relenting and laying down on the couch. She breathed in rapid succession and closed her eyes…

“Keep your mind blank and just relax for the time being”, Dr. Ray spoke in a soft reassuring tone. Ani frowned unable to keep her thoughts at bay and she was far from relaxed. She was thinking about the dream again…

Every night it was the same agony, the same terror. She found herself running in endless circles, but she didn’t know if she was running away from something or someone, or running towards them, the details were blurred but her feelings were in sharp focus and the terror very real. Another strange thing was that she never needed an alarm to wake herself every morning, like clockwork she would wake up terrified every day at 6 am, no matter how early or late the previous night would have been for her. The nightmare started about one year ago and ever since, she had been haunted by its presence in sleep and in waking hours. There must be some deep psychological trauma associated with her night terrors, Dr. Ray insisted and the only way to deal with it seemed to be talking it out. She wished things were that easy; the deep psychological wound was too deeply embedded in her subconscious and she had no idea what she was supposed to talk about, and to make matters worse she had two times a week of this ordeal, where Dr. Ray would wait patiently for her to open up and she would be quite clueless as to what she was supposed to say! The same endless cycle every week and she was so very tired of it all, some days her thoughts would be bordering on self destruction but something held her back, maybe a faint glimmer of hope that things might just get better and even a bit of curiosity, what triggered this terror, what was she so scared of?

She cleared her throat again and opened her eyes, “I am sorry I really can’t think if anything right now”, she sat up and glanced at the clock on the wall, “Anyway I should be going, I would be late for work.” Dr. Ray’s expression didn’t change; he still looked calm and genial. Ani got up and walked towards the door.

“Don’t forget our appointment on Friday, Ms. Sen.” His voice floated across the hallway and she walked out of the office. It was 8:30 in the morning and there were already a long queue of patients lined up on the couch waiting for their turn to spew their guts to the doctor. Ani wondered if it was as difficult for them to open up and divulge their darkest deepest thoughts to the doctor, as it was for her, but for her the added discomfort of not quite knowing the foggy details of her thoughts made things more difficult to express herself to anyone.

Her car was parked in the second basement of the parking lot; she was still lost in thoughts, feeling feeble and somehow faded. The toll of her emotional storm was wreaking havoc in her mind and she was so tired, so very tired, reaching almost to the end of the last level of her patience and endurance. She had been paying weekly visits to Dr. Ray for six months now. She had ignored the initial few months of her nightmare, in fact she could afford to ignore them, they began in quite a benign fashion, growing each day in intensity and effecting more and more of her waking life. At last she couldn’t avoid it any more and decided to seek professional help, little help that did! She slid in the car and started on her way to work.  The traffic was not too bad considering it was a Monday morning; she reached her destination on time. Her office was on the sixth floor, she greeted people she met on her way to the lift, it wasn’t easy to smile and engage in small talk given her fraying mind but Ani managed to stick to her fake smile.  She was the general manager of her department of finance at Taylor and Morgan, had worked very hard to reach to her position and now she wouldn’t want to jeopardize her post expressing her distressed state of mind to her colleagues. People were quick to notice changes and even quicker to gossip, and she knew a good deal of rumours were doing the rounds about her mental health. She had to hold on to this last shred of her sanity and to keep things afloat. Recently keeping up the façade of normalcy has been more and more trying on her psyche yet she kept on going tapping reserves of strength deep inside her, unknown to even herself. She knew though that time was running out and she was heading towards a major breakdown, which would destroy her life, and everything associated with it, everything she had painstakingly built over the years. It was like falling, she couldn’t help gravity could she? She was tumbling down, falling, falling every day down the rabbit hole.

The day passed in a haze, but she managed to get some work done, even attended a meeting at mid-afternoon, had lunch alone in the cafeteria and endless cups of coffee in her cubicle. Finally when the day was done, she heaved a sign of relief, she could quit smiling and talking to people. Even before the nightmares had started, she had always been a brooding, self-indulgent sort of person who averted social gathering and meet-ups at all costs. She liked being a face in the crowd. Now more than ever she needed to spend time with herself, maybe something would trigger her memory and she would be able to piece together the puzzle of her chaotic mind and put an end once and for all to this un-ending terror. The roads were congested, the situation worsened by a brief spell of rain, she tapped her fingers on the steering wheel, keeping her thoughts at bay for now. It began to rain in full force as she ran from the parking lot to her apartment complex. Her clothes were soaked and she shivered in the air-conditioned lobby of the building, waiting for the lift, after almost a lifetime, the doors of the lift slid open and she walked in. Toneless music filled the chamber; she pushed in the button for the 12^th floor and hugged herself to keep warm while waiting to reach her floor. The door slid open again to let her out; she hurried to the door, fumbling with the keys, hurrying to enter into her private sanctuary. She dropped her stuff on the floor, a heavy feeling of languor overcoming her as she flopped down on the sofa and propped her legs on the coffee table. Her phone started ringing breaking her sense of leisure, she sighed and answered the call, and it was her best friend, Tia.

“Where are you Ani?” her voice was shrill and urgent. Ani frowned, was something wrong? “Yep, why? What’s up?” She asked.

“Haven’t you seen the news? There has been a huge accident on the bridge this evening, the one you cross everyday to work, the structure collapsed, killing a lot of people! It’s horrible!” A shudder went down her spine, she had taken a different route today, trying to avoid the heavy flow of traffic on the bridge, and it could have been her, a name in the death toll!

“No, I am fine, I took a different route today”, She said as she switched on the TV, and sure enough the evening news were full of the footage of the collapsed bridge, few numbers flashing by the side of the screen, mentioning how many were injured and how many killed, the anchor person droned in monotonously on how the government were shifting blame on the opposition and the game of mud-slinging were going on. Ani was disgusted with the distasteful way the channel told the story so she switched the TV off.

“It’s such a shame! So many injured and killed, but thank goodness you are fine…I was so worried!” Tia went on, but Ani cut her off. “Don’t worry about me, I am home, safe and sound. It’s just another day for me. I got to go change and take a shower, we’ll talk later?”

“Hmmm, I guess, will see you on Saturday” Tia trilled on, Ani frowned wondering what was on Saturday.

“Sure thing!” She hung up. For a moment she felt maybe it would be better to have been on the bridge today, and then she shook her head, casting off such morbid thoughts. She got up from warmth of her couch and dragged herself to the bathroom. After a long shower, she felt a lot better, and decided to have her dinner on the couch watching TV, washing it down with a glass of port wine. She somehow felt refreshed and calm, even sleepy, drifting on the couch, her arms by her side…

She was standing on the bridge, it was raining crazily, a blinding sheet of water fell around her, sudden flashes of lightening tore the night sky followed by ominous thunder…She was soaked to the bone, shivering slightly in her nightgown…I thought the bridge had collapsed? She thought confused, she wiggled her toes, trying to feel the ground beneath her, her feet were bare… This time it was different, she wasn’t being pursued or pursuing someone, yet a sense of danger loomed around the corner…The streets were surprisingly empty, not a soul in sight, not a sound, just the gentle roar of the blinding rain…Why was she standing in the middle of the bridge on such a stormy rainy night, the wind blew some incoherent answer, her hair flying over her face…Then she saw him, standing near the ledge, a shadowy figure, clad in a strange grey hoodie…He would fall to his death, she thought in terror and started to run towards him to stop him…The distance kept on increasing no matter how much ground she covered, she ran as fast she could, panting and grunting with the exertion but she couldn’t reach him…She tried screaming a warning, her hand outstretched to him as he jumped off the bridge…

Ani landed on the floor with a thud, she had apparently fallen onto the floor in her sleep, the sheets entangled around her legs. Her breathing was fast, and her body covered in sweat, she glanced at the clock, it was 3 am. The pattern of her nightmare had changed all of a sudden, she wasn’t sure what it meant but had a strange urge to go over the bridge. She walked up to the window, it was not raining and the streets lights glowed over a sleeping city, she could hear the distant barks of street dogs and few homeless people shuffling around, even a car or two. Convinced that her dream world was nothing like the world before her, she tried to dissuade herself from going over to the bridge, but somehow she felt she must. She dressed herself hurriedly, snatching her keys and rushed out.

The night guard had given her a suspicious look as she drove out of the complex, maybe he thought that proper ladies don’t go out at such odd hours but she couldn’t care less. She speeded much more than her usual pace and reached the bridge in sometime. She killed the engine and got down, the bridge had collapsed right around the middle, a heavy mess of concrete and iron, smashing down on the road below. She heaved a sign of relief if even the man decides to throw himself off he wouldn’t be able to now…She was about to turn away when she saw him, walking towards the rubble and debris of the collapsed bridge, he had the same hoodie on, but unlike her dreams it was brown, maybe dreams are in grey scale? She thought biting on her lips, wondering if she should go up to him, he wouldn’t think of climbing over the ruins, would he? What good would that do? She breathed in deeply and started to run towards him, “Hey, what are you doing?”

The man turned, looking bewildered and somehow stupefied, and he didn’t seem to be in his senses. She ran to him, and shook his shoulders, “what are you doing?” she repeated her question, this time calmly, looking into his eyes. He seemed to wake up from a deep dream, shook himself from her grip, looking around in utter confusion…

“I thought I was dreaming…” He muttered, his voice trailing off, a sudden clap of thunder broke the intense moment and it began to rain…

A Blind Lane

The television came to life all of a sudden, before it was just static. She picked up the remote and started her favourite pastime of flipping through the channels. Her eyes fell on her hands; they seemed so spotted and ugly. A lot of things come with age, besides wisdom. Loneliness was one of those things, but it had never been much of a problem for her. She liked being by herself most of the time. The screen was filled with horrific images; a lion was attacking a hyena. She was intrigued, why would a predator be more interested in a hyena rather than the herd of zebras, who were meanwhile making a fast escape from the gory scene. She liked watching them, animals were never apologetic about who they were unlike humans. The hyena was laughing in its characteristic fashion while the lion was ripping it apart. She sat still, eyes riveted on the screen. She could imagine the terrible screams which the laughter hid. She could empathize with the creature, the pain of being torn apart yet having no choice but laugh…she couldn’t watch it anymore, the screen went black, she had turned the TV off. Sometimes one hides the suffering, the pain somewhere, and then tends to forget them. She didn’t need any reminding, she didn’t need the pain, emptiness was better.

The phone started to ring in a thin and obscene manner. She had come to like silence so much that her own voice often disturbed her. Painfully, she shuffled across the room to the hall near the kitchen. It was her parent’s and grandparent’s home, this old four roomed apartment in Little Russell Street, with large French windows and high ceilings. She had been living here for the last sixty years. The phone had stopped ringing, she stopped in her tracks realizing she was already in the hall. While she was at it, she might as well, have some tea. The maid would usually make enough tea to last throughout the day. After pouring a cup for herself, she had just placed the flask back when the phone started ringing again. Quite annoying, she thought, her arthritis was getting worse these days, moving around wasn’t a very pleasant pastime for her.

“Hullo? What’s wrong with you? Its your own sister……granted you haven’t been keeping well lately…so we didn’t ask you to be a part of the arrangements…the least you could do is show up for her funeral?” It was her nephew, he sounded upset, hurt even. She made the appropriate sounds of “hmm” and “hmp”s, and then placed the receiver back.

She sighed to herself; it had been fifty odd years of memories, memories of her, the beautiful June. She remembered her sister as a precocious child with tight ringlets of curls hanging over her dainty forehead. Ma and Pa mooning over her, her wonderful talents, her beautiful singing voice and her paintings…exquisite they were in their details and splendour. For someone to be so astonishing, so special, won’t there be some others who were plain and ordinary, so that the contrast was stark enough. She remembered herself, a painfully shy child, her bitter and lonely days as an adolescent and finally an unwanted woman.

She seated herself in her favourite armchair at the balcony overlooking the street. It was a dark night with stars veiled in smoke. The cacophony of the traffic was soothing somehow, strangely the silence seemed oppressive to her now. The chair was as old as she was, it groaned under her weight.

Sometimes she had the strangest vision. It was an old man with blind milky white eyes and a long black coat, and he was making watches. The spare parts were strewn all over the work bench and the man would just put the parts together into a watch. Whether they were functional or not seemed insignificant to him, the blind watchmaker would need to just finish them on time. It’s quite the picture for fate or chance or whatever name it goes by. Some people have everything working just fine, and some have faulty parts. Is it by chance or predestined? Do genes determine one’s happiness in life or does fate? She had little time for such profound but silly philosophies. For she was who she was, a watch stopped at 8, June, on the other hand was…she couldn’t complete her thought, she felt dizzy and suffocated. She got up and hurriedly went to her bedroom. Opening her closet, she almost threw out all her belongings, frantically searching for something…and finally found it. An old framed photo of her sister, on her wedding day. June looked so beautiful even in black and white. The photo was dusty from time and neglect. A tear drop followed by few more suddenly fell on the thick dust; she wiped them away, cleaning the filthy layers.

“Even in death you won, June”, she said in a dry whisper. The photo fell from her hands, the glass shattered showering broken pieces everywhere.

 

 

A half truth

“Most people are not looking for provable truths. As you said, truth is often accompanied by intense pain, and almost no one is looking for painful truths. What people need is beautiful, comforting stories that make them feel as if their lives have some meaning.”

― Haruki Murakami, 1Q84

“What the hell is going on between my husband and that bitch?” Maya's patience was at its lowest ebb and she was ready to burst.

Sanjay knew that she was serious. “Look, Maya. There is nothing going on between the two of them. Just a little bit of healthy flirting, I'd say.”

“Flirting? Healthy flirting? Really Sanjay . . .” she rolled her eyes in disgust. “That's what you men call it? There is nothing healthy about flirting, Sanjay, not for a married man. Healthy flirting is a term introduced by perverted men who want to lend legitimacy to their extramarital dalliances. Flirting invariably has a sexual connotation to it.” She got up from her seat and walked around the room gesticulating and muttering something to herself. Suddenly she stopped, turned back, looked at Sanjay and asked, “Did my husband sleep with her? You are his friend. Did he ever tell you anything about it?”

He gapped at her, open mouthed for a while, after a second or two recovering his composure, he assured her, “No way, Sreekanth would never do that to you...and as his friend I can vouch for it!”

She wasn't really convinced, “You mean to say you don't know, right?” Suddenly her surge of intense passion passed, she looked deflated and incredibly sad, “You know what hurts the most, the not knowing part...if after 10 years of marriage I still can't say for sure if he is or isn't cheating, I just don't know...” She sat herself beside him on the sofa and her eyes gently brimming with tears. Sanjay patted her arm, feeling helpless. She seemed inconsolable and he regretted coming over, it looked like he could do nothing to ease her pain. She regained her composure after shedding few more tears and then she wiped them clean using his clean handkerchief. Too clean really, she wrinkled her nose, sometimes she wondered about Sanjay, he could never hold on to a girl for more than six months and his love life was barely there although he was the most loyal of their mutual friends. She started feeling guilty, just because she could she had called him over in mid-afternoon on a working day and she had been screaming and whining insistently right from the moment he had stepped inside the flat. After all he came and she had to call him once, no excuses, no hold-ups, she smiled wistfully, thinking if she could feel the same way about her husband who lately never had any time for her or their home...

“I am so sorry for being such a whiny bitch, can't say I am hundred percent assured of my dear hubby's fidelity but I will take your word for it for now and let it rest.” She sighed, and rubbed her hand over her eyes, it was so tiring, all this drama, who had time for it? Not when one is in their 40s!

Sanjay smiled in relief, “I am so glad you feel this way, trust me, everything is fine! I should be going now,” He glanced at his over-sized wrist watch, he was always so impeccably dressed, except for the huge steel contraception for a watch he wore, it seemed to be of some sentimental value to him. She absent mindfully pushed her hair back on her right side, an unconscious gesture, he realized he had grown quite fond of her...their friendship began when she started dating Sreekanth about 12 years ago and they were not friends to each other then, but gradually over the years, they grew to rely on each other...He looked at his watch again, it was time to leave. She was staring at him with a quizzical expression, “You are a strange fellow...you know that right? But a good friend....Don't you have to get back to work?” she laughed hysterically. Sanjay was taken aback, he could never get used to her theatrics!

“Yep, indeed! I got to go!” He kissed her forehead, “Take care of yourself and please no more snooping around and feeling jealous, okay? Good!” Sanjay hurried out.



Maya sighed, the empty flat reminded her of her empty life, she had such bright hopes and dreams when they had moved in their home, she had taken so much time and care to choose everything from the furniture to the drapes to the decor...she had given so much of her time and patience to their home, but after all the time, it was just a well decorated empty shell, not nearly a home. Maybe having children would have helped but Sreekanth thought they would be better off without kids and now she had nothing…She wished she could change and undo everything, begin again, a fresh start...Her phone began to vibrate jolting her to reality, it was her husband's office.

“Hello?”

“Maya, I am sending my PA, Asha to get my blackberry, I have forgotten it somewhere…could you locate it and hand it to her, please?” He was always so curt with her, so formal; Maya frowned, feeling vindictive and especially nasty, “Oh I don't think you left it here, must have dropped it on your way to work, did you check your car?” It was the phone that had spoiled her morning, she had found it at his work table and couldn't resist the temptation to check his calls and messages, and few questionable messages from his office colleague, a very pretty and chic lady had caused Maya to lose it all! And now, Sreekanth had the guts to ask her to look for his phone, oh to hell with it!

“Oh! I assumed I must have left it at home, but would you please have a look nevertheless and let me know, I'll call Asha, she must be on her way!” She groaned, another one of his minions, oh hateful spite! Oh how she wished ill upon him! He hung up on her, before she could say bye, what was his hurry? She realized if she asked for a divorce he would concede, such a sterile end to their marriage, maybe theirs wasn’t really a fairy tale passion but it was something or wasn’t it? After all these years, nothing? How can he be so cold?

She decided to have a face to face talk; or an argument or what have you with her husband right then, if it was a dead relationship why carry it anymore? Being the impulsive person she was, Maya made up her mind to go to Sreekanth’s office right then, without wasting one more moment, she would either mend or end her marriage. She picked up the car keys and absentmindedly grabbed his blackberry as well on her way out.



It was a little chilly that afternoon, though not quite winter-ish but a barely there nip in the air. Sanjay rubbed his runny nose with a tissue, he bit his lip, feeling more guilty and ever. He had known Sreekanth since they were neighbours, back in the good old days in Manali. They had lived through everything and seen a lot of ups and downs, together…their love was unspeakable yet unbreakable…He knew they could never really be together and to keep up appearances, he had persuaded Sreekanth to court and finally to marry Maya…He remembered how on their wedding day Sreekanth had freaked and had almost ran away, a true case of wedding jitters or something like that, Sanjay smiled bitterly, it was more much more than that, the agony of seeing the one you love living a life with someone else, but he was the one who managed this lie and helped Sreekanth live this half truth of a life…What he didn’t count on was the guilt…the strain of keeping this lie from falling apart was getting to him, but Sreekanth seemed happy, they could have their moments of tenderness and blame it on some pretense…this time it went too far, flirting with Asha to deflect suspicion was too low, was Sreekanth really turning to be so cold and calculative? Sanjay caught his reflection in the rear view mirror, sometimes, he found it hard to look at himself…the web of lies they had spun to protect their paradise was gradually disintegrating, disappearing into thin air…



Maya took a short cut around the bend of the road, she had forgotten how crazy traffic was in Mumbai, she laughed thinking how much she had given up, her job, her hometown, her friends, social life for this shitty marriage and now she was ready to give it up as well…That’s how life works maybe, one keeps loosing things one holds dear one by one, gradually and finally gives up the only thing left, life.

Sanjay reached Sreekanth’s office first, he knew where he would be, smoking by the corner, all by himself. Watching his silhouette against the curtains, Sanjay knew why he did what he did, all the demeaning and selfish deeds made sense, fooling Maya, the trusting silly woman, made sense…Sreekanth turned to look at him, and smiled,

“So what’s the story? Does she really have my phone?” he chuckled gently. Sanjay squirmed at his coldness; did he not care about her at all?

“This was a tad too far, you should not have used this ruse, why bring Asha in all of this?”

“Are you really complaining? Would you rather she suspect us and put an end to what we have?” Sanjay stopped in his track, his heart skipped a beat, how could he even say that?

“I don’t know, maybe, if we could put an end to this? I don’t know…” Sanjay sat down on the couch, feeling helpless…Sreekanth sat down beside him, resting his head on his shoulder…

“What are we doing, Sreekanth? Is this really what we are and what we want?”

Sreekanth sighed, “At least we have what we have, this moment, when we can leave everything behind…I can’t imagine not having this…” He held Sanjay’s hand gently in his own…A sudden noise just outside the door broke the momentary peace…

“It must be Asha, she is always dropping things” They held each other and laughed.

“I’ll go check…” Sanjay got up and walked outside the cabin.

“Hey, wait up!” Sreekanth laughed, following him.

Sanjay stood rooted on the spot, holding a blackberry….Sreekanth looked puzzled realizing it was his phone Sanjay was clutching..

“What’s wrong?” He asked his heart heavy…and the phone started ringing…Maya’s name flashed on the screen…

The long and short of it

 “She sat in the Starbucks cafe, sipping her coffee and staring out of the window. The blood stained knife lay next to her handbag, covered with her blue silk scarf...” He paused staring at computer screen, wondering if these words held the meaning he intended to impart to them, the cursor blinking at the end of his sentence. Rohit stood up and stretched, yawning to his heart's content, he was bored, maybe he needed to take a break, a coffee break, he smiled at the thought. It was nearly 8 p.m, Arpita should be back from work soon. Without sparing a second thought he walked over to the closet, threw on a pair of track pants over his shorts and a T-shirt, grabbed his car keys and rushed out of the apartment. It was a dull Friday evening, it had been raining intermittently all day yet it was quite humid and oppressive for lack of really heavy showers. How he wished for rain, proper torrential rain that would wash away yesterday's dirt and grim. After waiting few minutes for the lift, he suddenly decided to climb down the stairs, not a small feat considering they lived on the 13th floor. He had been stuck in a zone for sometime now and couldn't seem to break out of it, his story was due tonight but the words were stuck in his head somewhere refusing to form a story, a concrete story. Rohit knew why he felt so thwarted, after all life was boring and perfect, they had a lovely apartment in a posh part of the city, his wife had a high profile job at a advertising agency, he had the luxury to quit being a corporate slave and follow his dream to be a writer, but after the initial euphoria everything is just the same, same old boring life. Reality is the worst thing that can happen to anyone, he thought gloomily looking at the overcast sky as he walked out of the building. The keys jangled in his pocket, again impulsively he thought of walking instead of driving, maybe a walk would clear his head and taking things in might help him to form an idea for a story. There are two general ways one usually tells a story, either they focus more on the surrounding and describe every thing in painstaking details, how the pavements looks and feels as someone walks on it, the detailed descriptions of people walking by and so on. Or one focuses on how the protagonist feels and thinks as he or she walks on that pavement, Rohit was more of the later since most of his thoughts were quietly introspective, but he felt his story telling lately was lacking a punch, maybe it was time to try a different way. He sighed, feeling tired, everything seemed like a good idea at first but now he was feeling tired and worn out. Turning left by the corner of the road, he walked in to a sleepy little coffee place. It was nearly 8:30 pm now yet the place was strangely deserted. The coffee shop had wooden flooring which at first glance would appear dark and drab, but the thing which drew him to this place were the glass wall overlooking the street. He looked around searching for a perfect spot, the pain of too many options. He was about to take a seat when he saw her....sitting by herself, sipping her coffee and staring out of the window. Something lay next to her handbag, covered with her blue silk scarf...he felt quite light headed all of a sudden, it was as if reality was slowly slipping away from him. Rohit steaded himself grabbing the chair by his side, it creaked under his weight, a jarring noise which broke the spell of the moment. She turned to look at him, she had startling clear gray eyes. There was a slight buzzing in his head. He smiled at her, feeling silly. She smiled back, which gave him the courage to approach her. “Is this seat taken?” He asked pointing to the chair facing her, she smiled, nodding yes. He felt surprisingly crestfallen and was about to leave when she grabbed his hand, “I was only joking! Please sit.” Rohit seated himself, feeling ridiculously happy and awkward. It had been too long since he had coffee with such an attractive woman. She seemed to guess his discomfort, but didn't try to initiate any conversation, just smiled at him and twirled her slender fingers over the handle of her coffee mug. He was aware of the noise of the city behind him, the buzzing in his head had subsided. He felt he must break the silence, after all words were his best comfort. “Do you come here often? I mean to say I haven't seen you before...” He grimaced at how awkward he sounded, maybe silence was better. She smiled again, and looked away. He had half a mind to apologize and just walk away when she spoke, “I was wondering if I would see you tonight, you come here quite often....” an eerie feeling gripped him, when had she seen him? Did their path ever cross before? Was he thinking about her when he was writing today? Looking at his thoughtful and puzzled face, she laughed softly, “Did I creep you out or something? I am not a stalker, don't worry...” “Oh no! It's just a very strange coincidence. I had been writing a short story today, I write for a weekly column in 'The Time', and I was describing this very scene, a beautiful girl sitting by herself, sipping coffee and her blue silk scarf....” He trailed off glancing furtively at the object covered by the silk, the scarf had a very detailed floral pattern stitched in white...The object looked suspiciously sharp and elongated. She arched her eye brows, “Oh! you are a writer then?” He smiled sheepishly, “Well, I try...I am Rohit by the way”, he was starting to feel normal again, enjoying her pretty face, such stark grey eyes, so unusual! She laughed again, this time, a harsh hacking sound, not really soothing, Rohit squirmed a little in his seat. “How would be like to be part of a story? He stared at her, a little lost for words, “I am sorry? I didn't quite catch that...?” She sighed, “Would you like to walk with me...” He blinked twice before mumbling, “I don't even know your name..” She seemed disappointed, “Names are meaningless but if you must insist, you can call me Lisa. So would you like to take a little stroll with me?” “Where would you like to go?” He asked, tempted by the thought yet not quite sure if he should, Arpita must be back from work. “Just round the corner, here and there”, She shrugged, her right shoulder had a pretty little mole on it, “Well, then?” she stood up gathering the mystery object and her scarf, stuffing them into her tan leather handbag. Rohit got up in a hurry, spilling a little of her coffee. He towered over her petite frame. They walked out of the coffee shop, together. The street outside was empty, Rohit looked at his watch, it was after 11 p.m, had they really been that long in the shop? He turned back, and saw a man pulling the shutters down on the little coffee place. Apparently, they had kept the poor man waiting. He saw Lisa walking ahead, her lithe frame draped in a floral printed white sleeveless dress, her hair billowing in the wind. He realized it must have rained, the weather seemed a lot cooler. Lisa slowed her pace and let him fall in pace with her. “Was it such a bad idea, then?” Lisa smiled, slipping her hand through his arm. Rohit went rigid for a moment, and then his heart started racing....it was quite rare for a woman to have such an effect on him.. “No, not at all, actually I was thinking for your well being, how could you want to walk with a man you barely know? I mean, who knows, I could be a killer, right?” She smiled, her teeth glinting in the street light, “Who knows I could be one, too?” He smiled uneasily. They had walked for quite sometime, taking a by-lane right behind the coffee shop. “Where are we going? Shouldn't you go home, I could drop you home..” The streets were so deserted and the dim lights playing hide and seek in the shadow, how he regretted not taking his car, he would have to walk the whole way back. “Ah! Wouldn't you like that? Dropping me home?!” She laughed, leaning over his shoulder, her voice mellow and teasing. Rohit felt his ears burning, “I..I..”, he stuttered, embarrassed. “Come on now, I was just playing with you, I live just down the road” She pointed ahead to a dark alley,”That is a blind lane, isn't it?” He was confused, the road ahead ended in a pitch dark nothingness, this was hardly inviting. Rohit was regretting the whole thing, Arpita must be worried...for a while when he had longed for some of excitement in his dull bleak tepid life he had forgotten the comforts of it, the calm security, the warmth of it... Lisa had again increased her pace and she strode ahead without looking back. Feeling an increasing sense of discomfort and alarm, Rohit had no choice but to follow her. The uncanny fact was the whole neighbourhood was deserted, he could hear a dog barking in the distance. It was getting darker, the streetlights had dimmed somehow, he saw her silhouette about ten feet away, her back towards him. He was wondering if he could just walk away, but felt a bit protective about her, he couldn't just leave her in the dark. “Lisa, are we there yet? Where do you live? Lisa?!” He nudged her, turning her to face him. It could have been the lighting, but her face...her face seemed distorted somehow, her eyes dark cavernous holes, engulfing him and in her hand was a long thin rod, emitting a sickly green glow... “Won't you help me home?” Lisa pleaded, her voice cracking, distorted and filled with static...Survival instinct is strange and can kick in all of a sudden...Rohit ran, he ran past the street lights flashing by, their afterglow tailing him, the sad little coffee place closed for the night, ran through the blaring traffic and ran home... Panting and shaking he reached home, his fingers proved too thick and shaky to pry open the lock, and then the door opened. “Where were you? I was so worried? Why couldn't you carry your phone?” Arpita looked genuinely haggard but angry at the same time. He fell into her arms, wrapping her warmth about him, wishing he had never left. “What happened? Why are you shivering? Oh my God? Are you hurt, is that blood?” She held his face in her palms, looking deep in his eyes, searching for answers he didn't have. He freed himself from her arms and walked across the room sliding into the couch of their living room, too much in shock to do anything else, wishing he had never strayed from his normal “boring” life....Arpita yelped in disgust,”that's not blood, is it?...”, and then he noticed his hands, they were stained with a thick gooey liquid.....and it glowed green. 

"A question of life and death"

On one day among the countless that I've lived,

I decided to die.

To end this tedium and the farce,

To put out the light and close the shutters tight!

And then strangely that night the moon shone full and bright...

Streaming through the blind folds,

Moon beams danced in the shadows...

I was forced to live again,

One day at a time.

Time

The next morning found her standing at the bus stop. It had been about 10 minutes, but to T it seemed like an hour in the sweltering heat...It was a hot humid day in May when hot air rose from the street and the glare from windows of the cars stuck in traffic gleamed silver. She glanced at her watch again, it was 10:30 am again, the watch had stopped working yet again...She sighed in defeat, what's the deal with her and her watches, every single one of them would give up on her after a while....she was sick and tired of getting them repaired, for they would stop before long....She was wondering whether she ought to catch the train, she must have missed her bus...her thoughts were interrupted by the wails of the madwoman who lived on the pavement by the bus stop, she wasn't really in pain she just liked to curse at people passing by as she went about her chores, like chopping vegetables or cooking or cleaning, T could understand her misery, who would be happy living out on the street, living your live in front of strangers and in such heat!!! But she couldn't really sympathize with the woman now when she was screaming obscenities at everyone on the street...Suddenly she spotted a red blur about a few feet away from her, she hadn't missed her bus after all....

Travelling to work had never been very interesting somehow for T (though the air conditioning inside was a big relief from the heat), she listened to the radio and stared out as images kept flashing by her window. She never had any real conversation with her fellow travelers, everyone seemed to her like they belonged to an army of drones...so she was surprised when a man with graying hair at the temples sitting right behind her asked her what time it was, she couldn't hear him at first, but he made sure she did, by tapping on her shoulder to catch her attention. She was at first a little flabbergasted as she glanced her watch to realize once again that time had stopped at 10:30 am for her, she smiled sheepishly at him, “I am so sorry my watch has stopped, I'll take it off...” she added almost to herself fumbling at her catch of the watch, the man smiled back at her, “Time has never been my friend as well, don't worry...”, she smiled feeling uncomfortable, what an odd thing to say! She frowned, putting away her wrist watch for good, she hugged her backpack to her chest and settled herself in the seat, “When did you first notice?”, the man was looking at her with a curious expression, “Excuse me?” she couldn't help being curt, pulling the headphone out of her right ear, what did he mean? He looked piercingly into her eyes, “When did you first notice there was something wrong with time?”, T was completely taken aback, what a psycho! “I am sure I don't know what you mean...my watch stopped working this morning”, she shrugged her shoulders. He seemed satisfied with what she said, and relaxed back in his seat. She sighed, maybe it was the heat, driving people crazy, mad women on the streets screaming and mad men inside the bus asking god knows what! T forgot about the man as she listened to Cindi Lauper softly singing,

“Then you say - go slow,

I fall behind -The second hand unwinds...”

It almost took an hour for her to reach her destination, getting out in the heat was quite a daunting task, she took out her umbrella as she got down the bus. When the bus passed her by she saw the man with graying hair at his temples staring at her through the glass, she looked away feeling uneasy, what was that all about? Her phone started ringing, she glanced at the number, couldn't recognize it, decided to let it ring...enough talking to strangers for a day! 

She didn't have much to do at work. It was a long tedious day, everyone went about their business as usual....it was much later that afternoon when she was hit with the same bizarre feeling she had been feeling for quite sometime now...looking at the series of tube lights down the corridor as she was filling her water bottle from the cooler everything seemed unreal somehow, as if floating in mid air....she shook her head, maybe she was feeling dizzy because of the mid day heat...she could hear the clock ticking the seconds away on the wall facing her...it was a strange moment, suspended in time when nothing seemed real...and then it was gone, like a faint spell of dizziness....her phone started ringing again, it was the same unknown number, she frowned at the screen, didn't pick up again...She left a bit early that day, thought of repairing her watch again...the shop was just across the street near her office, in fact she got most of her watches from that particular show room itself, but these days she spent more time on repair jobs than anything else...she often thought of buying a new watch, one with the latest design and all, lovely and sleek but never got around to buying one. The woman at the counter knew T quite well, she smiled at her and raised her eyebrows, “you want to repair it again?, T smiled wistfully, “Well..I don't know what else to do!”. She went ahead with the paper work putting the faulty piece of machinery in a plastic container, asking T to wait....T sat herself on the couch thinking why didn't she buy herself a new watch? What was so hard about breaking routine? In recent times, all her days seemed the same, all merging into the same shapeless mass, there seemed to be the disturbing undercurrent of things being meaningless, unreal...What if the man on the bus, the mad woman on the street were the anomalies in the otherwise perfect mundane system, anomalies which disrupted the smooth nothingness that her life had become...The woman at the counter was calling her name, T seemed shaken by the trail of her thoughts...

“How much?” T asked reaching for her watch, “No charges my dear.” The woman smiled at her sadly, “Some things can't be fixed.” T stared at her, what did she mean? She mumbled her thanks and went on her back home. The evening was much cooler, a gentle breeze soothed her prickly nerves...the city enjoyed a brief spell of respite from the heat, although the next day would be as hot as it was today and the day after would be the same....a repetitive cycle that she seemed to caught in, like a glitch in time....She couldn't shake this thought that something seemed off with her world lately, something was not quite right....She went to bed that night trying to make sense of it all but her brain was too tired to function and soon she was fading into the darkness....

The next morning found her standing at the bus stop...It had been about 10 minutes, but to T it seemed like an hour in the sweltering heat...It was a hot humid day in May when hot air rose from the street and the glare from windows of the cars stuck in traffic gleamed silver. She glanced at her watch again, it was 10:30 am again, the watch had stopped working yet again...She sighed in defeat, what's the deal with her and her watches, every single one of them would give up on her after a while....she was sick and tired of getting them repaired, for they would stop before long....

“If you're lost you can look - and you will find me

Time after time
If you fall I will catch you - I'll be waiting
Time after time....
Time after time
Time after time
Time after time....

...Time after time"

Hokum

Often these days I feel blinded and dazed,

Flooded with the cold light of scrutiny..

The one judging me, is none other than me,

Which is quite an irony...

So I try to look away..

But I feel drawn to look, at this grueling image of self dismay!

As my eyes settle to the piercing light,

I see clearer...

Self-knowledge and objectivity is not such an burden..

I realise that even as I look away.

No truth is absolute, no fact set in stone.

In a world of changing and intermingling faces, I think I like mine the best.